x_-Noctis-_x's mega jokes thread

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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
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Console: Headset:
No Ghost

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. “How did you enjoy it?” the guide asked when it was over. “It was great,” the girl replied, “but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways.”

“No need to worry,” said the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost in all the time I’ve been here.”

“How long is that?” she asked.

“Oh, about 300 years.”
 
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
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Console: Headset:
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Banned

The rabbi and the Catholic priest met at the town’s annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but you just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and have some?”

The rabbi looked at his friend with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
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Console: Headset:
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">God is good

An elderly couple visit the doctor for an annual check-up. He asks them into his office one at a time, starting with the husband.

After examining him, the doctor says, "Mr Smith, you're in great shape. How do you do it?"

"Well," says Mr Smith, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the good Lord looks out for me."

"What do you mean?" asks the GP.

"For weeks now, every time I've had to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, the Lord has turned the light on for me."

"That's nice," says the confused doctor. "Please send your wife in now."

She enters the room and the GP says, "Your husband is extremely physically fit but I fear he is starting to have delusions." He then tells her about the toilet visits.

"Oh, I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says, looking relieved. "And it explains who's been peeing in the fridge."
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
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Console: Headset:
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">2 Demerits?

With his squad at attention, the drill sergeant began inspecting their rifles. Grabbing one soldier’s weapon, he peered down the barrel only to be stared back at by a spider.

“Two demerits,” yelled the sergeant.

“Why two?” asked the private.

“One for keeping an unclean weapon,” said the sergeant. “And one for keeping an unauthorized pet.”
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
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Console: Headset:
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">"Good Bird"

“That bird is so well behaved, you can take it anywhere, I promise,” the pet-store owner assured the woman.
Delighted, she took her parrot to church. Things were great until, halfway through the sermon, the bird blurted, “It’s damn cold in here!” Embarrassed, the woman ran out and went to the pet store.
“This ‘good bird’ swore in church today,” she told the shop owner.
“I’m sorry. It sometimes does that in new environments,” he explained. “Next time, grab its feet and swing it over your head a few times. That should stop it.”
The next week the woman and her parrot were in church when the bird yelled, “It’s damn cold in here!”
Quickly, the woman grabbed the bird and swung it above her head six times. Then she put the bird back on her shoulder and sat down.
“Damn,” the bird said. “It’s windy too.”
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Stream:

x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
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Console: Headset:
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Hard job

A civilian was golfing with a soldier who had just returned from Afghanistan. His plans included becoming a golf-course keeper once he was discharged in a few months. He applied to a local college for its golf course superintendent programme, but the department head worried that he might not be up for the job. “It’s stressful,” he said. “You have to fight the weather, insects and demanding club members.”
“Will anyone be shooting at me while I mow the grass?” asked the soldier.
“Of course not.”
“I’ll take the job.”
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
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Console: Headset:
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">How do you stop a thief?

This was the question that vexed a rugged Marine. Every morning he picked up coffee from a machine, and every morning that cup of
coffee mysteriously
disappeared from his desk. Although he never caught the bandit, he did resolve the matter. One morning, when all
personnel were gathered
for a staff meeting, he popped out a denture from his mouth and swished it around in his coffee before placing
it back.
His coffee was never stolen again.
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Stream:

x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
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Console: Headset:
lmao...competition in my thread? thats kool ;D...anyways whos girlfriend/wive are u? (if u dont mind me asking)
 
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