x_-Noctis-_x's mega jokes thread

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">School Time

Early in the morning, the father knocks at his son's door and yells, "Wake up, son! Time to go to school."
Sleepy, the son mumbles to his dad, "Listen, Pops... I'm not going to school today for three basic reasons: first of all because I'm dead tired, second because I hate that school and third because I've had it with those punks!"
To which the father answers from outside the door, "Well, you're going for three reasons: first of all because you have a duty to perform, second because you're 45 and third because you're the school principal!"
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">"Kindness begets kindness"

Sorting mail, a post-office worker found a postcard from an old lady that broke his heart.
It read, “Dear God, I have never had a holiday. I am 86 and would love to go away somewhere special before I die. All I need is £250. Please help.”

The worker decided to organize a collection among his colleagues and soon raised £200. He sent it off to the old lady.

Three weeks later, he found another postcard from the woman. It read, “Dear God, I had the holiday of a lifetime. Thank you so much for the cash. It was £50 short, mind you. I expect it was those light-fingered b******s at the post office.”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Hypnotist?

Visiting the aquarium during feeding time, a hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, “You know, I could hypnotize that shark.”
“You’re crazy! He’ll rip you limb from limb,” the feeder said, laughing. “But, hey, if you’re so brave, be my guest.”
The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.
“I thought you could hypnotize him,” sneered the feeder.
“I did,” the hypnotist said, holding his arm. “Now he thinks he’s an alligator.”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Kissed by a nun?

While sitting in a taxi, a nun notices that the cabbie is staring at her. “I don’t want to offend you,” he says, “but my fantasy is to be kissed by a nun.”
“Well, all right,” says the nun. “But you have to be Catholic and single.”
The cabbie says he is, so the nun plants a passionate kiss on his lips. The man is momentarily ecstatic but then starts crying.
“What’s the matter?” asks the nun.
“Forgive me, Sister,
but I have sinned. I lied to you. I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “Oh, that’s OK. My name’s Kevin and I’m off to a fancy dress party.”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

Generous or not?

The dying penny pincher told his doctor, lawyer and pastor, "I have $90,000 under my mattress. At my funeral I want each of you to toss an envelope with $30,000 into the grave." And after telling them this, he died.
At the funeral, each threw his envelope in the grave. Later, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."
The doctor admitted, "I needed $20,000 for new equipment at the hospital, so I only had $10,000 in the envelope."
"Gentlemen, I'm shocked that you would blatantly ignore this man's final wish," said the lawyer. "I threw in my personal cheque for the full amount."

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Blessing in disguise

“Chief,” says Jimmy to his boss, “we’re having major spring cleaning tomorrow and my wife needs me to help move stuff from the attic, the garage and the garden.”
“We’re short-handed, Jimmy,” the employer replies. “There’s no way I can give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Jimmy. “I knew I could count on you.”
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Sad Magician

Working on a new trick, a magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn’t turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my family?
Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his family was whisked off to surgery.
Hours later, the surgeon emerged.
“How are they?” the magician asked.
“Comfortable.”
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[DM Poisoned]

Lmao with the old lady one

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Worth living

On New Year's Eve, a woman called a noisy bar to attention and said that at the stroke of midnight she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. In the resulting rush to him, the barman was almost trampled to death.
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Thats Good

“Daddy,” says a boy to his father, “you lost your credit card months ago and you still haven’t reported it.”
“That’s because I’ve realized that the thief spends less than your mother.”
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[DM Poisoned]

Wow xD thanks noctis =p

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

damn i havent posted in thsi thread in a while...i will post soon....this was a *bump*

 

[DM Poisoned]

DoN't u think?

 

[DM ToRNaDo412]

ok i shall wait anxiously

 

[DM Poisoned]

HURRY UP I WANT TO LAUGH!!!

 

[DM Sandman]

lol. i havnt read any jokes from this post recently. great jokes man keep it up lol

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

lol. i havnt read any jokes from this post recently. great jokes man keep it up lol

HURRY UP I WANT TO LAUGH!!!

ok i shall wait anxiously

due to popular demand i will keep this post alive ....

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Exchange Trips

A kangaroo bounds round the Australian outback. When it comes to a halt, a little penguin climbs out of the kangaroo’s pouch. It looks awfully giddy and is promptly sick.

Meanwhile, a little kangaroo sits on a South Pole beach shivering, crying and mumbling to itself, “I hate school exchange trips.”

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Quickest Way?

Hopelessly lost, the man pulled his car into an abandoned petrol pump in the desert and got out. The only creature there was an owl sitting on a cactus. “Owl, can you tell me the quickest way to town?”
“Are you walking or driving?” asked the wise owl.
“I’m driving.”
“Well, that’s the quickest way.”

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Pwned

A linguistics professor is teaching her students about grammar in foreign languages.
“In English,” she says, “A double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive is a negative.”

Just then a voice from the back of the class exclaims, “Yeah, right.”
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