x_-Noctis-_x's mega jokes thread

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Wrong Name

Two people are walking through a graveyard when they hear a wierd chiseling sound. Scared to death they continue walking sticking together when the clinking noise grew even louder. They are relieved when they find an old man chiseling away at one of the tombstones. One of them walks up to the old man and says, "You gave us such a fright mate, we thought you were a ghost." The old man replies, "Dont worry, its those idiotic graveyard masons, they got my name wrong"..........
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

News Headlines

One day a woman was attacked by a dog. A man rescues her. The reporter interviews him and the headlines next day......

"U.K citizen saves woman from rabid dog"

The man tells the reporter that he was not from U.K. Next day...

"Local Hero saves woman from rabid dog"

The man tells the reporter that he was from Afghanistan and not a Local Hero

Next day....News Headlines....

"Terrorist attacks local dog"

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

anotha blonde joke...

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Once a blonde, always a blonde

A ventriloquist with his dummy was starting his show with his regular routine of dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde woman interrupted his joke and told him, "How dare you insult people like me just because of the colour of our hair. It's people like you who ~censored~ our growth in the society." The ventriloquist is embarassed and begins to apologise when the blonde shouts at him, "You stay out of this mister!! I'm talking to that little creep on your knee."
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

haha short but funny:

Young Boy asks Old Man

Boy: Grandpa, what are you reading??

Grandpa: A history book.

Boy: But thats a sex book

Grandpa: I know, that's history to me....

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Not me

A man goes to a chemist and asks for a cure for hiccups. The chemist makes the man bend over and gives him a hard slap on his ass and asks, "Have they gone?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife's in the car but I'll check..."
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[DM ToRNaDo412]

lol i keep updated cuz i like reading jokes like these

 

[DM Poisoned]

Me 2,but al the good jokes were alrdy posted

 

[DM_VanR]

LOL keep em coming joker!

 

[DM Poisoned]

^^ Batman's worst enemy

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

lol i keep updated cuz i like reading jokes like these

<3...lmao thnx a lot for the support tor =D

Me 2,but al the good jokes were alrdy posted

poison go fuck urself...lmao jk bro...well i apologize if u dont find sonme of them funny but at least admit...they make u smile lol

LOL keep em coming joker!

hehe thnx a lot bro

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Handicapped Horse

The trainers last minute instructions to a jockey were to shout "Up and Over" at each jump. The jockey considered this stupid and ignored these instructions. The horse clumsily tripped ovver the first two hurdles and then the jockey shouted "Up and Over" at each jump. So... won the race. The trainer asked him, "What happened in the first two jumps? You ignored my instructions didnt you?" The jockey replied, "No, the horse must be deaf." "No way!!!" the trainer insisted. "Blind, yes....but not deaf..."

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Bigger

An American rancher is meeting an Australian farmer. The farmer shows off his fields. "I've got fields twice this size", says the American. The Aussie then shows off his herd of cows. "Oh, we have cows twice this size back home", says the American.

A little while later the American spots two kangaroos hopping across the field. The American asks, "What are those?" Says the Aussie, "Haven't you got grasshoppers in America"?
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Stressed

John decided he needed a day off. So he climbed to he cieling and shouted, "I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb!!!!" The boss deciding John was too stressed said, "I think you need the day off...Go home right now!" Ted was watching this...He got an idea...He too followed John out. The boss asked him, "And where do you think you're going??" Ted replied, "You can't expect me to work in the dark..."
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Fast or slow

A man was new to the city and he owned a McLaren F1 GTR. He didn't know the speed limit. So he was pulled over by the police. He asked the officer, "Was I driving too fast officer?" The officer looked at him thoughtfully and replied, "No...you were just flying too slow...."
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Why did you run away?

A man ran out of the operation room. The nurse caught up with him and asked, "Why did you run away??" He replied, "The nurse said - 'What are you afraid of? It's only an appendix operation'..." "Thats ok, but why did you run away??" asked the nurse again. "She said it to the doctor, not to me....." protested the man indingnantly...
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[DM Fiinest]

I went up to like pg 3, den got tired of so much reading.

 

[DM Poisoned]

Then ur just lazy lmao

 

[DM ToRNaDo412]

yea u gotta break it up into pieces ave lol

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

I went up to like pg 3, den got tired of so much reading.

lmao!...dude dont take it in all at once...read like a page a day...i only post like 3-7 jokes each time i get on...

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

I went up to like pg 3, den got tired of so much reading.

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Normal or Abnormal?

Visiting the psychiatric ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

“Well,” the director said, “we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub.”

“I get it,” the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

“No,” the director said. “A normal person would pull that rubber plug.”
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