Joke of the Day Thread: THIS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE JOKES GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[OUTL4W]

Lets share some laughter and smiles

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents (PG)

Prom Night was coming up, and a girl announced to her boyfriend that she wanted to make it special and take a hotel room for the night.

Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know.

The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer...5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

[Velatorix]

This is my favorite joke.

A couple of Redneck deer hunters in the rural south are out in the woods deer hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, I'm sure he's dead, now what?"

 

[OUTL4W]

Thats hilarious!

 

[DM FlyMEXboy]

dude this is a joke that my prevertied counsin told me but dont worry its pg
after each sentence u say "i am a man"

i went to a club
i saw this girl
we went to my house
we went to bed
she is wispering in my ear and she says

 

[OUTL4W]

lol, thats pretty good. out here we call shemales "mahus"

 

[Velatorix]

You guys are sick. really. Can we please tell clean jokes? Come on fly, tell us a good one.

 

[Halifax]

Lets share some laughter and smiles

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents (PG)

Prom Night was coming up, and a girl announced to her boyfriend that she wanted to make it special and take a hotel room for the night.

Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know.

The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer...5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

first of all its funny second of all i heard this joke b4 i think i heard it online somewhere.

 

[Velatorix]

Hey I saw this true story that was kinda funny in the Reader's Digest in the Humour In Uniform section. I don't remember exactly how it went but is was something like this.

A little girl and her mother are talking about babies one day. The little girl's Daddy is fighting in the military. So the little girl up and says, "I think we should have another baby soon." The young mother smiles at her little daughter and says, "I think that's a great idea, but don't you think we should wait until your father gets home?" "No," says the little girl, "lets surprise him!"

 

[X DM Member]

Heres mine...:
Ask someone (a friend) what is your level in piano/skating/gaming/other stuff that has levels. After they reply, for instance 0, say this, thats the number of balls you have. If its a girl then yeah the other way around.

 

[DM CharlesK]

why do waiters give bad blow jobs?


cus they only care about the tip....

ahahaha

 

[DM CharlesK]

why do women preferr circumcised penis or un-circumcised ?

cus they love things that are 10% off.

 

[C Darwin]

what does joe have to do with this ...............................

reply=joe who?

answer=joe moma

 

[Elite]

Heres some Aviation jokes just for you Jess =)

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."


From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.


As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.


:rofl4:

 

[Velatorix]

Thanks Elite, they were kinda funny. My Mom got some really funny aviation jokes in her e-mail a couple years ago, I'll try to find them to post here.

 

[Velatorix]

Here ya go Elite, these are hilarious!

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny"
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious"


Problem: "Target Radar hums"
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics"

 

[DM ikilledu]

ok so this kid just got trucked in football and he falls to the ground n his friend comes over n asks "are u hurt". the kid says it hurts so bad!!!.his friend said "thats wat she said".......

 

[DM FlyMEXboy]

Lmfao

 

[supergrany]

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.

Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

 

[supergrany]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

 

[DM4L SK]

the kid walks into his parents room and they are having sex. the kid asks daddy what are you doing dad says im playing poker your moms the dealer im the player so he walks out of his parents room into his grandmas room and his grandparents are having sex he goes grandma what are you doing grandma ssays im playin poker im the dealer grandpa is the player the kid is sitting in his room wacking off and his dad walks in and goes son what are you doing the son says im playing poker dad says but you have to have to people to play poker and thhe son says not if you have a good hand...