x_-Noctis-_x's mega jokes thread

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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
The Butler


A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.

"Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed.

"Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.

She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"


From x_-Noctis-_x: hahahaha...got ya!
 
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
Occupations


Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
 
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
kids know all.....:

'Just told'


The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
 
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
20 years
________

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I'm a freeman now!"
 
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Larry's Bar


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="genmed" height="40" valign="bottom">
</td></tr></tbody></table>
 
Stream:

x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
Nurse Fan Club


A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
 
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
The Wall

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall
and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how
long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall."
 
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x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all
the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after
dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire
flies out of the night and lands on their windshield,
hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.

"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.

"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break
his grip," answers the second nun.

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws
at the windshield.

"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting
even more scared.

"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off,"
says the second nun.

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and
it's starting to crack.

"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires.
She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!"
she yells, triumphantly.

The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells,
"Get off the f*cking car, you a55hole!!"
 
Stream:

x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
Prediction

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket
where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"
 
Stream:

x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
For those of you who dont understand women...heres a bit of help:

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Woman's Dictionary

* Yes = No.
* No = Yes.
* Maybe = No.
* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
* We need = I want.
* It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious
by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain.
* Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're
going to hate.
* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on TV.
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="genmed" height="40" valign="bottom">
</td></tr></tbody></table>
 
Stream:

DM Poisoned

DM Poisoned

@TheLifeLike
Founding Member
3,687
13
2
0
Console: Headset:
Hah noctis, but post 10 daily cuz u put too many at on time
 
Stream:

DM Poisoned

DM Poisoned

@TheLifeLike
Founding Member
3,687
13
2
0
Console: Headset:
Ok ,but don't fall under d "Lets count to a million " spam
 
Stream:

x_-Noctis-_X

x_-Noctis-_X

Colonel
523
4
0
0
Console: Headset:
here are "10" more...:

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">'Good' Boyfriend


Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.
</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="genmed" height="40" valign="bottom">
</td></tr></tbody></table>
 
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