Morb's holocaust poem

[MorbidFrc]

i wrote a poem about the holocaust for school, i was wundering wht u guys think of it

here it is:
“Stories of a End”

I have heard stories of a cattle car,
This cattle car is full to the top with meat,
The meat of many, many people I mean,
The meat has many stars amongst it,
Many stars of David,
So everyone knows how to treat them.

I have heard stories of a body,
A body not far from the ground,
There isn’t much to say about the body,
The body hangs, so we can see,
So we can observe what we don’t want to be,
What we must work not to be,
What we live not to be.

I have heard stories of a furnace,
A furnace of hot flames, with death,
The furnace never stops burning, for death,
They never stop using the furnace, much death,
The furnace is well known,
It is a way of passing, passing massacres,
Passing lives,
Passing ashes,
Pray you don’t have to pass it.

I have heard many stories,
I pray these stories are not true.



what do you guys think?

 

[xLinsteRx]

very good.

 

[DM xFantin]

i dotn wanna be a critic but i dont think using the same rhyme 4 timees in a row ( be see be be) and the same word at the end three times in a row ( death lol) makes it sound as good

furnace of hot flames, with death,
The furnace never stoped burning, for power
They never stoped using the furnace, much pain,

Also i think you should use past tense because teh Holocaust kinda happend in the past.

P.S im not very good with poems but i remember my teacher telling me about this

 

[DM Ninth]

I really like it! I kind of agree with nick, about the repetition, though you do attach a different word before it (with, for, much). Otherwise I enjoy all of it. It is quite good.

 

[DM4L KY]

This is actually a mediforic short story, but i guess if your in high school you're good, just watch the repitition, and yeah (this was my thing in high school). Im not trying to dis you but here are some suggestions((and i'm gunna be a grammar pig):


1.What's up with meat? was it a canadian sausage feast? (not being racist). You used meat three times in the first stanza, and it makes it sound kinda awkward in the iambic pentameter (the way you read it). was it a meat train? other good words to make it flow better- bodies (duh), corpses (maybe not), sickness (mediforic again), just use the thesorus on word it helps alot. Also, take off some of line two (the words TO THE TOP), and fulled isnt a word, sorry mate its filled. The last line of the first stanza is a lil awkward to btw.

2. Also, a lot of your poem is free verse, and idk if that was the assignment but you may get maked off for that...

3.now on to the second stanza...


I have heard stories of a body, (good, suspense)
A body not far from the ground, (chiller, good)
There isn’t much to say about the body, (BODY? repitition!!! read line one or make a ryhm) say corpse or sumthing)
The body hangs, so we can see, (it was said in line two, Repitition)
So we can observe what we don’t want to be, (Great Line, keep this, perhaps at the end of the stanza?)
What we must work not to be, (these two lines (this one that the line below) are good, but they may not belong in this stanza)
What we live not to be. (this line was included on the suggestion above)


4. now for stanza 3 (sorry im rippin your poem apart)

I have heard stories of a furnace, (Ok)
A furnace of hot flames, with death, (a Furnace for schorting (look it up, spelled wrong my bad) flames of death)
The furnace never stops burning, for death, (very awkward, take this out)
They never stop using the furnace, much death, (take this out 2, or reword, dont use death)
The furnace is well known, (no it wasnt btw, they may mark you down for this!!!)
It is a way of passing, passing massacres, (maybe a good spot for an alliteration? teachers go crazy for that)
Passing lives, (Repition of lines 15,16,17,18)
Passing ashes, (could have used this before btw)
Pray you don’t have to pass it( they would go in it, right? pass?)

the two lines at the bottom are alright, but use them in the third stanza.

 

[DM4L KY]

Rewrite

You have full permission to use this on your assignment....


“Stories of a End” (btw, kick ass title)

I have heard stories of a cattle car,
The cattle car, filled with dispare,
The hate and discrimination, (see i started a ryhm pattern)
Which caused them to be in there.

I would rewrite the whole poem, but here's a good first stanza, hope this helps!

 

[DM xFantin]

stories of AN end

 

[Kane428]

cool