x_-Noctis-_x hellafunny jokes thread.

[x_-Noctis-_X]

due to popular demand (by that i mean poisonedevil) i have decided to start posting jokes on the site again so here we go!

EDIT: forgot to state (for copyright reasons, etc.) that these jokes are not mine, im simply passing them over from another site for your entertainment. enjoy!

 

[iKryLonN]

just post the links of where u copy them from

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

just post the links of where u copy them from

lolz that wouldnt give me a post count now would it?

anyways....

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Big Butt

When I was pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room as I was preparing to shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but whats growing in your butt?"
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read,
"...Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!"
The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Sh*t! a talking chicken!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">The Survey

A survey asked women:
"What would you do if you woke up and had a pen1s?"

Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
"I would write my name in the snow."
"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."
"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
"I would measure it both ways."
"Pee off of a tall building."
"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."
"I would treat women better with it."
"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."
"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."
"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
"See how many donuts I could carry with it."
"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Interview

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one ... are you?
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

Headlines

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so

pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won

again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the

pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local

paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.



This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of

the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the

next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.



The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of

the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper

read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.



This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the

donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day

the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.



The bishop was buried the next day.

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Making Love

There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman:

The Italian says,
When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend,
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees.
She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy.

The Frenchman replies,
Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making Ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.

The Irishman says,
Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' Me bord,
I get out of da bed, walk over to d' window and wipe me knob on the curtain. She hits the fockin' roof.

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Too Embarrassing

Little Johnny was in his prep school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and take it up the ar*e."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?".
"No," said Johnny, "My father plays football for Northern Ireland, but I was too embarrassed to say."

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Worst Nightmare situations

NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "What should I do? Oh,

I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."

 

[DM_VanR]

Hey, hey. It's Noc! Where the hell have you been? Haven't seen you in months!

 

[DM Poisoned]

lmfao at the nightmare jokes bro
yes,i was the one who begged noct to bring da jokes back =D
-ATV

 

[DM ToRNaDo412]

awww disgusting nightmares ewwww

why didnt u just continue the old thread :hmmm:

 

[DM Poisoned]

thats wut i thot too xD
maybe he wants thread count too
-ATV

 

[DM ToRNaDo412]

the thread count doesnt update in the statistics anyway so it doesnt really matter lol

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Hey, hey. It's Noc! Where the hell have you been? Haven't seen you in months!

yea lol...my mem card fucked up and havent been able to play another....

awww disgusting nightmares ewwww

why didnt u just continue the old thread :hmmm:

too lazy to look for it lmao

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

Holy Cow

Economic models explained through the medium of... cows.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are democratic.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

What if your dog's name was Mypenis

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis:

Mypenis ate my homework.
Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
I love giving Mypenis a bath.
Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
Mypenis loves to chase ~Censored~ in dark alleys.
Help! I can't find Mypenis!
Sorry to be driving so slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
Sorry to be driving so fast officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
Stop kicking Mypenis.
When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
There's nothing like a well-trained ~censored~ for Mypenis.
I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
Excuse me, I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...
I'm sorry I'm distraught, but I accidentally ran over Mypenis with the lawn mower.

 

[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">Lovign wife

I ran into Andy at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the 'flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience."
"Wonderful? How can the 'flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the postman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"
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[x_-Noctis-_X]

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="postbody" valign="top">New Job Titles


Murderer : Population Stabilizer

Orphan : Independent Youngster

Beggar : Financial Gatherer

Cleaner : Hygiene Specialist

Rapist : Senior Practitioner in Sexual Practices

Gardener : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager

Receptionist :Front Office Manager/Office Access Control Specialist

Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer

Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician

Temporary Teacher :Associate Tutor

Tealady : Refreshment Overseer

Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician

Watchman/security : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or

Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer

Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer

Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer

Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist

Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist

Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager

Cook : Food Preparation Officer

Do Not Forget:

Unemployed :Township Management

Gossiping :Research Management
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